Review: Twilight

Movie: Twilight

Main Actors: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson (For a complete list, see IMDB)

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Passionate Expressions: If there were any I didn’t notice and I’m not going to watch it again to find out.

Useless Vulgar Language: In my humble opinion the entire script could be considered in this category.

Sex in a Good Light: The fact that they refrained should suffice.

Sex in a Bad Light: Wasn’t there, so kudos for that.

Manly Violence: There was manly violence in this movie. Pretty much anything Edward does would fall into this category.

Action Violence: I guess you could qualify the Vampire football game in this category, but that is really pushing it.

Pointless Violence: I didn’t see any pointless violence.

Manly Rating: F

Scorecard
Cinematography: B
Visual Effects: B
Sound/Score: C
Story: F
Acting: D

Food to Watch With: I wouldn’t recommend watching this at all, so how about. . .the McDonalds Drive Thru.

Plot Synopsis: Girl Falls in Love with “Vegetarian” Vampire (he only eats animals, not humans) and he falls for her but won’t change her into a Vampire like she wants.

Review: You might be asking two questions. One: why did you watch this? and. . . Two: Why o why are you telling us about it? I did this for, again, two reasons. One: To try and shed some light for my fellow watchers about why this movie has generated such fervor and Two: what’s wrong with it. I can see the hackles on the backs of girls everywhere, even the ones not reading this, rising in preparation to defend Edward and his super-awesomeness. Rise away, I’m not listening to you anyway. Why did it generate such a frenzy? Why do we now have Twi-moms and teen vampire pacts emerging from New York to Texas. . .TEXAS!?! I believe the real answer is hidden behind the obvious one. It’s not because it is a vampire story although both male and females are falling into this trap. It is the relationship between Edward and Bella. It is the simple vein that the story revolves around, the idea that Edward would do absolutely anything to protect Bella. That’s it. Problem one solved, the next part is what’s wrong with that? The problem is what this film represents and what the main point is tied to. What this film represents is the next generation of Romantic Movies. Don’t get me wrong, the two or three yearly rom-coms with Jennifer Aniston, Reese Witherspoon, and Sandra Bullock will continue, but those are still slowly navigating their long slow trek to Metro-sexual Utopia (thank you, Patrick Dempsey). What’s happened here is that Twilight revives one of the stalwarts of old romantic movies: the idea that the men (even if they look like real life stick figures) will actually be men and fight for their girl with everything they have. This resonates with women on every level from Tweens to Soccer Moms. This concept was dropped from most romantic movies a long time ago to allow the feminist movement to push its ideas into our collective romantic and social conscious. Now, if bringing back manly men and true chivalry was all that was involved here I would be all for Twilight. But the timing of its appearance and the secondary ties are insidious. Using Twilight to bring this idea of protective manly men back to romantic movies after so long instantly locked this facet of romance into the vampire/monster drama category for an entire American generation. There was nothing that Edward did for Bella that he could have done had he not been a vampire (the sparkles, the pseudo-flying, the protection). This means that women who don’t have God and the Bible to fall back on and base their reality on will never be able to have this ideal version of a man realized because no such man exists. Besides if he could exist in real life wouldn’t he show up in those Aniston, Witherspoon, and Bullock movies? But why, females are screaming, are you just talking about our movies that way? I don’t. The Bond movies are the same thing, but in reverse. Instead of seeing Manly male protection from a romantic Feminine point of view we see it from a Masculine View and the cause is after the effect not before. In Twilight the cause, the reason that Edward protects is because of the love they have before the attack and rescue. In Bond, the cause, the reason is the ‘exploits’ he gets to have after the attack and rescue. These exploits are the causes the men want and the supernatural love of Edward is the cause the women want and neither are attainable. Another note I might add is the reason Twilight is getting so much of this and women feel like it is being attacked is because it is one of the first “made for women” movies like this, where as there are literally hundreds of them for men. It’s a new experience for them and they are fighting it because, as they say, its hard to teach an old dog new. . .

Life Lessons: None that survive the hidden problems of the movie

Summary: Someone had the right idea, but something else twisted it.

Would I Watch This Again: Absolutely Not.